All fresh.
Crisp.
New.
Shiny.
I don’t feel completely caustic at the moment. Going through the same shit thrice isn’t cool.
Somehow, I don’t know if I should still hold on to my dream. It seems so remote and impossible. Admittedly, I don’t intend to do anything conventional once I’ve got it. Medicine? It happens to only a select few.
Till I know for sure though, I’ll let the chips fall where they may.
I’ve cleared out everything from my current inventory of posts. That phase is over. New people, same friends and it makes for great company. I’ve come round the bend. Negativity needs to be nipped at the bud. I catch myself habouring self-degrading notions of, well, myself and it doesn’t sit well with me. Not a single iota. I look at myself more honestly now. I don’t make time for self pity, its no good, not healthy and not very sexy. We all need time to hide and weep, collect out shatted egos and find our pride.
Sometimes it takes more testicular fortitude to move on and make things right in a different manner. Not running away from the past, but acknowledging it — taking the result slips, wiping your perky arse and strutting off to make sure the next time you see such a slip, it doesn’t have to endure the same perilous fate.
I look forward to the future with so much more zest and enthusiasm that I could hardly care for the pitfalls that I’ve navigated myself straight into and the transgressions I’ve embellished my personal record with. Lets start the future, now. With the present. You can’t change the past, you can’t tell what the future will be like, but you can actually decide to have a better lunch than starving yourself. Focus on the now, enjoy the moment, because like Ang Hwee said, “This moment now, its gone. Right now is a different moment. You can’t keep going through life unhappy.”. Finally I see the light.
Perhaps now that I’m not such self-debilitating, self harming wimp, the biggest hindrance to me as an athlete is gone.
I’ve learnt to enjoy. Shopping; Nights out with Valerie; Hanging out with Rishik, Kiran and the rest of the Brady bunch; Fervin’s sound advice. I’ve learnt to enjoy living and not endure living.
Its alot healthier now, my state of mind, my emotional state. Everything is in a superior condition.
Only thing is… I’m hungry again.
No. Not for sex you dickwads.
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