My son is standing in the living room playing the Wii. He is playing a tank game in which you drive your tank around shooting everything that moves. He apparently is not doing too well as he has been constantly blurting out nonsensical words right and left for the past 10 minutes. My wife is TRYING to read the newspaper and is seated on the couch just behind him. She just yelled at him after he blurted out “NIPPLE”!!!! after his tank was shot by another tank. Yep….he’s a 13yr old male alright……playing tanks and war games on the Wii….and still thinking about Nipples………That’s my boy!…..
If you are a fan of the CBS Sitcom “How I met your Mother” you might want to check out the Idiotflashback blog of mine and check one of the newest entries.
My wife laughed at me when she came home from work because I had one of those fake logs burning in the fireplace on a day when it is 60 degrees outside. She asked why I was using the (expletive deleted) fireplace….I told her I had a “chill”…she said to turn on the (expletive deleted) heat!…..I replied that it was cheaper to burn a fake log than to turn on the (expletive deleted heat)…..
I should have just yelled “Nipple!!”
Should I be offended, with me being the cook of the household, that as soon as dinner is over, both the wife and the kid head straight for the microwave to nuke bags of popcorn? Sometimes, they will get up and start the nuking…..while we are still eating……. Something tells me that I should be offended….
Nipple! Nipple! Nipple!
I’m gonna make Microwave Popcorn for Dinner tomorrow night and see what happens…..
We each have different modes of nuking popcorn in the microwave.
The kid puts it in and programs the timer for like 12 minutes then only takes the bag out when the bag has physically burst into flames inside the microwave. Once ALL the smoke alarms in the house have been activated, he takes out the bag.
I use the “listening” method. I listen to the sounds of the pops and once there is only 8.4 pops per 4 second interval, I take out the bag. Taking the bag out with only 7.3 pops in like a 3.6 second interval will also give you a decent bag but I much prefer the 8.4/4 ratio…..don’t you?
My wife uses the method under the theory that ALL popcorn on the planet MUST be nuked for EXACTLY 1 minute and 32 seconds……NO EXCEPTIONS!! If you take out the bag a second or two too early….she will dump out the bag, pick out the unpopped kernels, and will hurl them at you with all her might. If you leave the bag in for an extra second or two…..she will get out a magnifying glass, dump the popcorn out on the counter, and then will pick out the ONE single piece that is slightly browned….and she will then hurl that slightly browned kernel at you with all her might….all the while yelling that YOU burned HER popcorn!
As you know, I have feet that are completely numb due to my disability. I trot around the house bare-footed most of the time. The by-product of being bare-footed AND numb-footed is that I tend to walk around with a whole slew of objects embedded in the bottoms of my feet…….translation……I pick up everything that I step on. I go to the Doctor regularly and she usually looks at my feet and legs as part of my checkups…… The last time I was in the Dr’s Office, she is looking at my feet and picks out a couple unpopped popcorn kernels that were embedded in my foot…… The Doctor looks at me and smirks….”Ya took out the Popcorn a couple seconds too early didn’t ya?”
The Popcorn Conspiracy must be unique to ALL women!
On the local crime blotter:
A woman reported that an unknown person entered her home, opened her bedroom door and turned off her heater.
(Welcome to Texas. Down here, masked intruders cut your phone lines and security system, break into your home, creep through your home, and with you lying sleeping in your skimpy nightgown on the bed,…….they turn off your heat!….. Do ya now see why we enforce the death penalty so strictly down here??? Do you see the brutality of our crimes we deal with??? Just reading this bit from the crime logs made me go out and buy a rabid one-eyed Doberman that I will now physically chain to my Temperature Control Unit on the hallway wall. You can never be too safe)
A deputy responded to a verbal dispute. A man was arguing with his elderly mother on the sidewalk. He wanted her to move into his house, but she refused because he owns cats.
(I tell ya….it’s always the damn cats fault! Though…………I do own 3 of the little farts….so maybe this will actually protect me from Dear Old Mom wanting to move in……..hmmmmmm)
An unknown suspect attempted to force open the back door of a residence.
(Probably that sex-crazed heater psychopath again…..)
A man was found wandering down the road with a head injury. He was transported to Wise Regional Health System. His story kept changing as to how he received the injury.
(Uh….Yeah!!….Take it from a former Nurse…..a concussion or severe head injury…..tends to make things a “little fuzzy”…..)
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