I passed out at work last night. They called the ambulance, took me to the ER and of course my BP was to high as usual and I’m dehydrated. The protien level in my urine sample is still off the chart which they say gives them concern on my kidneys. I finally convinced them I was ok and 7 hours later I was released. I know my BP is out of control, thats what happens when you can’t afford medicine. My meds total run $478.00 for a months supply, that with 4 of the 8 being on the Walmarts $4.00 list even. That is just for my Blood Pressure meds, water pills, gastric reflux meds, and my digestive meds. I couldn’t afford Bipolar meds even if I was on them.
Tuesday was a very bad day for me. I tried calling everyone to have someone to talk to, but everyone was to busy to talk to me. All I wanted to do was cut the hell out of myself because I had no one to talk to, I even stopped at Lowes and bought new blades just for that purpose. I was 80 miles from where I started out at that morning and as I was driving back all I could do is cry as I drove. I was in hell all because the room I was to rent wouldn’t be ready for another 2 weeks and I couldn’t find anything else in my price range. I was devestated by this, plus the fact I had to take the morning off from work to do this costing me money I couldn’t afford to lose.
I have come to the realazation of why I like my Tiger so much (my truck). She is my safety net. I know if I don’t have a place to see that night that I have her to fall back on. She is kind of like my security blanket. I have stuff in storage, the back seats are still full, but I know I can always sleep in the front by reclining the seat, covering up with my blanket, and I don’t even need a pillow. LOL. Thank you Larry (for not taking Tiger), and thank you Tiger for giving me that security.
I’ve been trying to find odd and ends jobs for my day off or even the few hours I get off in the afternoon. I don’t like the feeling of not having the security of money. I skip the family meals at work because I can’t afford to buy myself groceries, that would mean going back to the hotel, being hungry and not having anything to grab even if I wanted it. I’ve lost 15lbs in 3 weeks. I know it’s not the right way to go about things as one meal is better then none, but I can’t help the way I feel. I have 2 weeks to go before I get my first paycheck. YeeHaw!!!!!! LOL.
My birthday is coming up, I’ll be 38 but I feel 108. This year has taken a toll on me like I have never felt before. Sure I’ve had major bad years filled with abuse, neglect, and need, but I have never had a year where I was so abused by myself as I have been this year. It saddens me to know I’ve let myself go this far into the bad side of things.
Till another day…..
No comments:
Post a Comment